Absence of the Heart
by dear songbird
Summary: No matter how far away Gabrielle Adams tries to stray, all roads lead back to Jesse St. James.


**Author's Note:** This is a "what if" type one-shot with Gabi Adams and Jesse St. James from my story 'Falling Into Faith'. I'm trying to vary the tenses and perspectives I use in my writing, so this one is a little different from what's considered normal in my world. I hope you enjoy it!

_"A chair is still a chair  
Even when there's no one sitting there.  
Well, I'm not meant to live alone,  
Turn this house into a home.  
When I climb the stairs and turn the key  
Oh, please be there,  
Still in love with me."_

—A House Is Not A Home / Luther Vandross

* * *

Gabi sits in the bedroom she and her fiancé share, staring at the walls. They're painted a brilliant shade of light green, which is Jesse's favorite color—well, second to _black_. Actually, the whole room is a combined effort of various shades of green and touches of a dark blue hue. Jesse says that in the words of Baylor Anne Bone, his favorite interior designer, the soft palette is ideal for a bedroom, so of course, the couple must have a green themed bedroom. Green is also a color that has the ability to relax the mind and calm nerves. Because he is a hotshot Broadway star—in his and the public's eyes only—he insists that their bedroom be green so he can come home to a tranquil place of rest. Gabi, however, thinks it's complete and utter bullshit. She also doesn't see him as a Broadway hotshot—just as the same egotistical brat she fell in love with when she was eight. She doesn't care about the color of the walls, the bed set, the curtains, the bed frame, or the silly, ornate baubles Jesse convinces her to allow him buy for their room; all she wants is his happiness, so she concedes. To her, their bedroom is just a place where the two of them start their equally hectic days and end their seemingly never-ending nights together. It's a place where they make big decisions together—yes, right on the bed—and where everything happens as a team. It is a sanctuary away from Jesse's prying fans and his crazy mother. It's also a place where they have lots of sex—passionate sex, quickie sex, make-up sex, angry sex, thank-you sex, sleepy sex (sleepy on Gabi's part; Jesse is like a wind-up toy that never gets tired), celebration sex, drunken sex, holiday sex, or just normal sex.

She chuckles to herself because her mind has drifted out into the gutter again. Lately, all Gabi can think of is throwing Jesse against the bed—or wall if they can't get the their bedroom in time—and having her wicked way with him. She's not sure if it's because they're finally engaged or if it's because she just has an overactive sex drive. She doesn't think Jesse minds very much, though.

Since she's thinking about doing _it_, she can't help but wonder what the sex will be like once they're married. Will it be more explosive? Will it be more special? Will it be the same? She makes a mental note to ask Rachel after she comes back from her honeymoon next week. She smirks, thinking of how _Broadway_ star Rachel Berry ended up marrying the national _football_ star, Finn Hudson.

A part of her is relieved that Rachel realized Jesse wasn't the one for her; she's not sure how she would live without Jesse by her side. She knows that they make a good pair and balance each other out. They're just like Rachel and Finn. Jesse a lot like Rachel—high maintenance, demanding, and full of fire. He's also overconfident and pigheaded, whereas thankfully, Rachel isn't. Gabi isn't sure how she would have put up with all the double dates they went on if Rachel was Jesse's identical-personality twin; it would have been unbearable. (She would have probably exploded, to be honest.) Though Rachel isn't as insecure about herself as she used to be, she's definitely more dramatic. Fortunately, Finn doesn't have the same dramatic tendencies that she tends to carry, nor is he in anyway her competition, so she has nothing to worry about there. Gabi also feels that because Finn is lacking a few brain cells in the smarts department, he doesn't really notice Rachel's crazy antics. It's either that, or he's blinded by his love for her.

Gabi realizes that _she_ is indeed blinded by her love for Jesse. She lets him control almost every and anything he wants to control in their relationship. She doesn't mean to, she just likes seeing him happy. His face lights up when he knows that he will get to decide where they eat for dinner or what movie they're going to be watching. She's also the only one who knows that he harbors an obsession for kid cartoons like _Tom and Jerry_ or _Scooby-Doo_, so they'll watch them together on Saturday mornings. She doesn't mind telling him where she is or whom she is with—she has nothing to hide, and he gets concerned about fanatical fans. She also enjoys watching him perform eight shows a week. He doesn't just perform for himself or for her; he performs for Elisabeth too, which makes her the happiest. She now understands that she isn't alone when she's trying to cope with feelings dealing with Elisabeth, and he's helped shaped her into a stronger person.

It's one in the morning and Jesse stomps into the bedroom like a little child just as she's finished staring at the walls. He barely glances her way before he begins to strip. First, he unbuttons his shirt and rips off the undershirt he's wearing beneath. Then, as he hums a familiar tune, he unbuckles his belt and slides his pants off with ease. Clad in boxer briefs (they're Gabi's favorites), he struts into the bathroom. Gabi knows that _he_ knows she's gawking at him—she can't help it—and that there's a huge smile plastered on his face as he's flaunting his toned body. He comes back out a minute later and pulls her into his arms.

"See something you like?" he asks with a devious look on his face.

"Not really," is her lame answer. She can usually come up with something cleverer, but he's looking especially delicious right now.

"Hmmm," he murmurs lightly. His hands are on her hips now, and they're slowly creeping their way up her body. His fingertips dance around, tickling her, making her feel out of breath. She wonders why her body always reacts this way around him. He doesn't give her much time to think about it because before she knows it, his lips are attacking hers with a merciless force. When they finally break apart for air, he nuzzles her neck and kisses her forehead. "Did you miss me today?"

"Not really," she repeats, still dizzy from their kiss.

He chuckles and unzips her skirt. "Liars don't get rewarded," he rebukes. She knows that he's kidding because he's already got her out of her skirt and his hands are back on her hips, possessively pulling her closer to him.

She flashes a quirky smile at him. "Well since liars don't get rewarded," she says slyly, "I guess I'll be going to bed now. I thought that because I couldn't make the show, I would make up for the loss time since you were at the theatre all day, but I can see that you're too tired. Goodnight, darling." She places a chaste kiss right below his lips—she doesn't give him the pleasure of tasting her twice since he has reprimanded her, albeit _jokingly_.

Jesse growls unpleasantly and leaps onto the bed where she's already laying. "You're not getting away from me _that _fast."

"Poor me," she snorts.

"Yes," he agrees with a smile. He has an animalistic glint in his eyes, indicating that he wants her very much and doesn't want to be teased anymore. "Poor you. Now, should I tear your shirt to shreds or do you want to do the honors of taking it off for me? Because believe me, _darling_," he throws the word out at her mockingly, but she knows he's just being playful, "I won't hesitate to turn every piece of clothing you own into confetti if it means having you in the end. So...make your choice."

* * *

Jesse is floating on air. He has just found out that he's been casted as Pseudolus in the Broadway revival of _A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum_. He wants to jump up and down, and start dancing and singing to 'All I Need Is the Girl' from _Gypsy_, because all he really does need at the moment is his fiery fiancée.

Still inwardly dancing amongst the clouds, he grabs his phone from his pocket and dials Gabi's number.

"Hm," she mutters into the phone. "I'm a little busy right now, Jesse. Your parents are coming into town and I'm cleaning the apartment—"

"I got the part." He hears a clatter in the background and guesses that she's dropped whatever it is she was holding and smiles. He wants to give himself a pat on the back when an earsplitting scream comes from the phone.

"I'M SO PROUD OF YOU, BABY," squeals Gabi. "We should go out for dinner tonight to celebrate! Oh, we could go to that sushi restaurant you're so fond of. You know, the one that's at the corner of 34th Street and 5th Avenue? Or we could go somewhere new for dinner. Oh! How about we call up Rachel and Finn and have them over for dinner? I'll make something good, I promise. If you don't trust me, we can just order something...or we can just all go out together. Or it can just be the two of us, I don't mind—it's your choice since it's your night!"

"Darling," he laughs loudly at his rambling fiancée, "take a deep breath."

"Fine." She complies and takes a deep breath.

"Now, I'm going to tell you what I want, and you're going to listen to me, okay?" Jesse can see her nodding her pert head eagerly and licks his lips. This paints a very vivid image into his head and he's breathing deeply now. He grabs his car keys and starts sprinting to his car as soon as he says, "I've decided that I want to skip dinner and go straight to _desert_."

* * *

Jesse has been with _A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum_ for a full year. In that year, a lot of things that changed his life have happened. Rachel and Finn had their first child, and Gabi and Jesse were made baby Alexander's godparents. Two months after that, Jesse knows he _finally_ got his happy ending because he _finally_ married the girl of his dreams. In addition, he recently found out that Gabi is two months pregnant. Yes, Jesse didn't doubt that someone up in Heaven adored him because he finds everything in his life to be perfect.

He decides that he will stay with _A Funny Thing_ for two more months before leaving it indefinitely. He wants to spend as much time as he can with Gabi.

Because of this, it is no surprise Jesse is in a rush to gather his belongings. He misses his wife dearly and wants to get home to her quickly. He hopes she isn't sleeping because he hates waking her up. He likes to hum 'I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing' when she's asleep and he's crawling into bed with her. The song holds so much truth to it, he believes.

"_Lying close to you,  
Feeling your heart beating.  
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming,  
Wondering if it's me you're seeing.  
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together,  
And I just wanna stay with you  
In this moment forever, forever and ever._"

He smiles as he sings his favorite verse from the song out loud. He's finally got all his things with him and he's ready to leave the theatre for the night. He's about to walk out when a voice calls out to him.

"Jesse," his co-star, Gemma Owen says. She plays Philia in the show, and Jesse knows that he should be nicer, but he can barely tolerate her. She's constantly hitting on him when Gabi is around, and it makes him feel extremely uncomfortable. Jesse's afraid to say anything because he thinks it'll ruin their onstage relationship, so he doesn't mention a word of it. Still, he wishes he could make _her_ stop making _him_ feel dirty. He never wants to feel like he is betraying Gabi ever again, which was hard because being around Gemma, onstage or offstage, makes him feel positively filthy. "Wait up, will you?"

"I'm sorry, Gemma," he apologizes hurriedly, keeping his voice cool and detached while trying not to hurt her feelings in the process. From what he hears, she's a very touchy person. "It's just been a really long day and I'm ready to get home, you know?"

"Just wait." She flicks her long, blonde hair behind her. "I need to talk to you."

"I really wish I could," he says rudely. He's beginning to lose patience and really wants to be holding Gabi in his arms. "But I need to get home to my _wife_." He puts emphasis on the word 'wife', hoping that the combination of his rude tone and the mention of his spouse will get her to back off.

"Let's walk to the garage together," she suggests. She pushes her body up against his, giving him an ample view of her cleavage.

Evidently, she's either stupidly ignorant or is pretending to have not heard his hint.

"Sure." Jesse convinces himself that the only reason why he's walking to her car is so that she doesn't get mugged or raped; it's New York City, after all.

They walk in silence. Jesse can feel her breasts against his arm. He thinks that Gemma has taken his uncomfortable zone to a new level because it just feels so wrong to be touching someone who isn't his wife. It's different when he's on stage because then, he's a character—but he isn't a character right now. He's Jesse St. James and Jesse St. James is married to Gabrielle St. James, not Gemma Owen. Suddenly, he gets the urge to shake her off his arm and flee to the safety of his car. He is no longer concerned for _her_ safety; he's worried that _she_ may try to rape _him_.

"Hey Gemma?" he questions, unable to take it any longer. "I'd really appreciate it if you didn't hold my hand that way, or hold my hand in general, really. I'm marri—"

"I know how unhappy you are with Gabi," says Gemma confidently.

He nearly falls backward on the concrete. "What?" he sputters. He's ready to kill someone right now. "Who told you that I was _unhappy_ with Gabi?"

"No one had to _tell_ me, Jesse. I can _see_ it in your eyes. She's really uptight, isn't she? It's a shame that you're married to _her_." She smiles affectionately at him. "I understand that you're probably only with her because she's best friends with Rachel Berry-Hudson. It's hard being married to someone who is best friends with one of your best friends."

Jesse eyes the crazy, blonde woman with a mixture of bewilderment and disgust. "Are you insane?" he asks, forgetting all notions of politeness. "Gabi and I aren't unhappily married, Gemma. We're expecting a _baby_ soon—"

"I _know_ you are," she says, using the same patronizing voice. "She probably forces you to sleep with her, doesn't she?"

"Were you dropped on your head when you were a child?"

"Be nice, Jesse. I'm trying to help you—help _us_ out here." She gives him a coy look that he thinks is supposed to be sexy in a come-hither type way, but he doesn't feel anything.

"I'm going to pretend that this conversation never happened," says Jesse once they reach Gemma's car. "Goodnight."

"Jesse, wait," she demands. She latches herself back onto her arm and before he can turn around, her lips are all over his, giving him sloppy, wet, kisses. He pushes her away forcefully and is relieved when all he can feel is the cold air.

"What the hell are you doing?" he spits out. "I'm fucking _married_!"

"That doesn't bother me, Jesse. I know that you feel the same way! We don't have to hide our feelings for each other anymore," she cries. She runs back to him, and again, has her lips all over him.

"Stay away from me," he barks as he pushes her away for a second time. "You're fucking nutso, Gemma. I'm in _love_ with _Gabi_, my wife. I've been in love with her since I was _eight_. That's over fifteen years; you got it? We're having a _baby _together. Touch me again, and I won't hesitate to hit you, even if you _are _a girl."

He hears her sniffle as he slams his car door shut, but he doesn't give a damn. He runs a hand through his hair once, then twice, then for a third time. Soon, both of his hands are in his hair and he's trying to keep his anger in check. He's pissed off because he can't believe that he let his guard down not once—but twice and let her _touch_ him! By the time he gets home, his anger has been allayed and instead, he is feeling an immense amount of guilt. He's just kissed someone who isn't Gabi, and even though he was most definitely unwilling, he still feels unclean.

He decides that it's best to not tell Gabi of the incident. He will pretend that it never happened.

"Jesse?" Gabi asks as he turns their bedroom light turns on. "Is that you?"

"Yeah,' he grunts. "I'm sorry I took so long. I—I got held up. How was your day? Why aren't you asleep yet? It's late."

"Jesse?"

"Hm, baby?"

"What the _hell_ is on your face?"

Her voice is shaky and angry. Jesse puts a hand to his face and rubs his cheek. He looks at his hand and there are pink markings on his fingertips. _Gemma's lipstick._ "No," he whispers. "No, Gabi, no. It's not what you think it is. I swear to God, it's not what you think. It's not what it looks like."

"It's not what I _think_?" she half-screams back. Her hands are shaking in addition to her voice. "Do you even know what _it_ looks like? It _looks_ like you just had sex with some _whore_ willing to be your mistress or whatever the hell you want her to be. I'm _pregnant_, Jesse! If you couldn't keep it in your pants for _me_, couldn't you have done it for the _baby_? God, if you were going to cheat, why did you even _bother_ marrying me in the first place?"

"I didn't have sex with anyone, Gabi. I haven't slept with anyone besides you in over ten years. This," he gestures to the bright pink lipstick on his face, "is just Gemma—"

"Oh my God," she seethes. "You're fucking your co-star? This is _great_. Just fucking _great_. I thought you had more class than that. If you're going to cheat, at least do it with someone _better_ than me."

"I'm not _fucking_ anyone but you!" he wants to shout, but doesn't. Instead, he says, "Just listen to me, Gabi."

"No," she says. She runs into their closet and comes back out with two suitcases.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm getting ready to go meet the Queen of England," says Gabi sarcastically. Jesse bites his tongue to hold back a sharp remark. "What does it fucking look like I'm doing? I'm leaving you."

Jesse feels a pain shoot through him. It's like someone took a thousand needles and punctured his heart. "I'm telling you the truth. You have to listen to me," he begs. He walks over to her and holds onto her arms. She looks up into his eyes and stares defiantly at him, daring him to make her change her mind. "It was nothing. Gemma cornered me in the parking garage and just _threw_ herself all over me. I pushed her away both times, I swear, Gabi. She's fucking _deranged_! She went on about how she thinks I'm _unhappy_ with you and that she knows I'm in _love_ with her or something! She's _crazy_, Gabi!"

And then all of a sudden, Jesse has déjà vu**.**

"_Don't touch me_," she hisses, pushing him away from her. "You're _vile_."

* * *

Jesse sits in the dining room he and his soon-to-be ex-wife once shared, staring at the divorce papers in front of him. Now, it's just _his _dining room. He knows that his child will never come running into the room to wish his or her parents a good morning the second after waking up. It will never become a room for arts and crafts spent with his family, nor will it be a one of the random rooms he and Gabi make spontaneous, passionate love in. It is just a dining room that has a table that is too big for one person with too many chairs.

He thinks he should go to bed, but then remembers that he hasn't slept in the master bedroom since Gabi left. He's taken up refuge on the couch since the bedroom brings back too many memories and he doesn't really enjoy sobbing into the comforter.

The whole damn apartment makes him miss Gabi more than he already does, and he's had it up to his neck with missing her. Six months have passed and the only word he's head from her is through divorce papers. He expected maybe _separation_ papers, but not divorce. So, he's given up and decides to put the apartment room for sale. He thinks he should probably go find a place a place to live. Maybe Rachel and Finn will let him live with them for a little while? He knows that he needs to get back on his feet. He doesn't think he smells very good since he forgets to shower often. He's too busy thinking of Gabi.

For some reason, the song 'A House Is Not A Home' keeps playing in his head.

"_Pretty little darling, have a heart, don't let one mistake keep us apart.  
I'm not meant to live alone, turn this house into a home,  
When I climb the stairs and turn the key  
Oh, please be there, sayin' that you're still in love with me._"

He has so many regrets at the moment. He feels bad for breaking Rachel's heart back in high school, because now he knows what it's really feels like when you lose your heart. (That's what Gabi is; his heart.) He wants to take back all of the rude words he's ever said to anyone he's met throughout his life. He's sorry for taking Gabi for granted while they were together. He never really realized exactly _how_ important she was to him until this moment, and without her, he's empty. Actually, he's not the only one that is empty. The apartment is empty in a physical and metaphorical sense. He wishes he could die, but he knows that he doesn't have the guts to kill himself. He's too proud for that, so instead, he likes to imagine himself doing something drastic like taking sleeping pills, throwing himself off the top of a building, or trashing his iPod. He's not usually this melodramatic, but without Gabi, no one is there to tell him to 'shut the hell up' when he's acting like a prima donna. _Gabi._ He's sick of crying his heart out for her when he sees something that reminds him of her, and everything reminds him of her, so he cries all the time. Oh, how he wishes Gabi would appear back in his life, just like the song, telling him how in love with him she still is. But he knows she won't because he made a stupid mistake.

Three hours later, he's still sitting at the table, staring at the papers. He doesn't want to sign them, but he knows that he must in the end.

However, instead of signing the papers, he gets up and leaves the apartment with no destination in mind.

* * *

Gabi enters the apartment she once shared with Jesse quietly. She's eight months pregnant with a baby boy. Her cheeks are flushed from being out in the rain and she really has to pee. She's overly emotional and her feet are swollen, which makes her want to throw her ballet flats out the window.

She hopes that Jesse is home so she can talk to him. She wants to apologize for her brash behavior and for the lack of communication. She's just been so scared that he's found someone more attractive, or someone he has more in common with, or worse, someone who understands him better. She knows now, thanks to Rachel and Finn, that it was silly of her to feel that way because Jesse and her are made for each other.

She's disappointed when she finds the apartment dark and empty. Slowly, she creeps into the dining room and flips the light switch on. There is a chair pulled out and she notices the divorce papers sitting on the table. It makes her frown. She waddles over to the table, takes the papers, and tears them to shreds. This makes her smile.

She walks into the bedroom and sits on the bed. She stares at the walls and thinks back to the day Jesse decided to paint the room green. She smiles again. She grabs the Jesse's pillow and smells it, not caring how creepy or weird it seems. She can't count the amount of times she wished she could have smelled him when she woke up in the mornings. The instant trace of pine and hazelnut coffee attacks her nose and suddenly, she's sobbing into his pillow. She tries to calm herself down, but she fails. She grips the pillow tight, pulling it closer to her chest. She wants to blame her hormones—she's pregnant, after all—but knows that would be a lie. She misses Jesse St. James more than anything in the entire world, and it's finally starting to break her down.

The front door opens and closes. She freezes.

What if he's just gotten home from a date? What if he has a girl with him?

She hears his footsteps walk into the dining room. She's still trying to get her breathing to a normal pace and she's still gripping the pillow. The footsteps circle around the dining room, then move toward the bedroom.

"Gabi?" Jesse asks as he walks into the room. "What are you doing here?"

"I don't know," she answers honestly.

He takes notice of her tear-stained face, but pretends he doesn't. He wants answers before he comforts her. He's a selfish bastard. He holds up the shredded divorce papers in his hands. "What happened to my papers?"

"I don't want a divorce," she blurts out. "I'm so sorry, Jesse. I should have listened to you—"

He's heard all he needs to hear. He's already dropped the stupid papers and is at her side, kissing her face, her neck, her lips, her eyes, her nose. In between kisses, he's whispering the word "mine". His hands run possessively over her stomach.

"Jesse," she cries. "Jesse, I love you so much."

"I know you do, baby," he says before silencing her with his lips once more. He smiles against her skin and his hands tug against her shirt.

"Tell me you're still in love with me, Jesse," she begs urgently into his chest. She's panting and clutching him close to her like she'll float away if she lets go of him. He's her lifeline, and she's positive that if she _does_ let go of him, something terrible will happen, and she will wake up alone and this whole thing will be a dream. "Please, tell me."

"Since you went away, all I could do was think of you—or cry." Gabi tightens her grip on him. He chuckles, not to make fun of her, but to let her know that he's not going anywhere. He runs a hand over her stomach and the other travels to her back, both massaging her. She's still relentless on her grip, refusing to let go of her husband. She knows that she's being stubborn, but she doesn't give a flying fuck. She won't allow him to ruin the moment with his silly antics. When he's finally on the same wavelength as her, it makes him smile wider. "_Pretty little darling_," he promises in his melodic voice, "I'll always be in love with you."


End file.
